20 of Peter Kay's most brilliant jokes and one-liners

By The Newsroom
Monday, 26 March, 2018, 12:28
Peter Kay is the comedy king of the one-liner (Photo: University of Salford Press Office / Wikimedia Commons)

Beginning his comedy career in 1996, Lancashire-born Peter Kay has now been on of the UK's most popular stand-up comedians for more than 20 years.

Kay has also written and starred in several successful TV programmes, including Phoenix Nights, subsequent spin-off Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere, and Peter Kay's Car Share.

King of the one-liner, the comedian is also an expert at hilariously summing up quintessential British experiences - especially for those living in the North.

Here are 20 of Peter Kay's best gags, spanning his entire career:

Warning: some adult humour

"There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something."

"You never know where to look when eating a banana."

"Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?"

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we don't serve food in here.'"

"So this bloke says to me, 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought, "'That's all I need - a Je-hoover's witness.'"

"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'"

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."

"A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, 'Shh!'"

"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, 'That's a turtle disaster.'"

"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."

"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"

"Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?"

"So I went down the local supermarket. I said, 'I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said, 'Those are pickled onions.'"

"My dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."

"A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'"

"Sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."

"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, 'Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.' I said, 'Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.'"

"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."