In The Saddle with Anita Marsh: How we're moving on up!

We’ve started off very low and moved up to 65cm. I’m absolutely thrilled. Now don’t get me wrong - that’s not exactly super high but for my ineptitude as a horsewoman I’ll take that and be proud. Super proud no less.

Sully is really enjoying his showjumping, and as I’m suffering from stage 4 endometriosis and awaiting major surgery including on the bowel, I’m feeling pretty pleased with him and myself too.

I can only manage one round at a competition because of the pain I’m in, but we really try and make that round count. So far we’ve done two 65cm competitions and had a pole off in both, but on the second competition we did manage a third place rosette.

How did I feel getting the third place? I jumped up and down like a child when I heard. Yes, I have no shame. I don’t care…I’m in my final year of my forties and I’m losing all worries about how I look to others. It’s actually quite liberating as woman.

Sully rides with gusto into fences and I’ll give him his due he really tries his heart out for me in the ring. What more could I ask?

In the warm up it’s not so great though. Sully is super reactive to other horses going by him.

I’m sure it’s because he’s been kept at home from a foal and not in livery.

I think there is something to be said for livery yards; the hustle and bustle and riding in groups in arenas is especially good for youngsters. He’s just not had that experience.

I absolutely dread going into the warm up ring because of this and I can’t relax, which then makes him really edgy. The first few jumps I’m super nervous and I think I must hold my breath.

The last time I was out I saw a friend from Pony Club and she told me to breathe as I rode by her. She was so right and I needed to hear it.

It’s hard when you’re not born in the saddle. Things don’t come naturally like they would to other riders.

Everything feels like a big thing and I really do overthink things.

So in the warm up I’m especially tense because I know he is.

This then transfers to my horse, Sully, and before I know it we have a drama at a fence. It’s a catch 22 and something I can only work on when I’m actually in the warm up ring due to him not being in livery.

However, I do know when I go into the competition itself he will be fine and firing on all cylinders. He listens to me and as long as I ride him confidently into that first fence then we are set to go.

The first 65cm class we did he just ran right out by the fence. I felt like we were going into it, but I wasn’t really committed myself. The one thing I’ve learned is if I’m not committed then he sure won’t be. He feels it from me.

The second time we rode back into it I was a lot more ‘with’ it. I rode strongly. I had to let go of my nerves and focus on him. He needed me to lead him not to desert him half way through because I was nervous. That made me ride differently. It’s a lesson I’ve learned and should already know, to be fair.

It’s a lot easier said than done though. Nerves play a massive role in riding for me. Being confident isn’t something you can just learn. You have to build it up after a loss of it. Unfortunately it’s not bottled and we can’t buy it from the shops. It comes from within. As you get older I think it takes more time.

However, despite battling my nerves, I really want to push myself and I never give up. Giving up is the easy option. No life with horses is easy.

There are good days and bad days with them all. There are days you wish you were into shoes and handbags instead, but hey - where would be the sense of achievement in that?

What I love about the showjumping crowd (especially at the non affiliated level) is everyone has a smile on their face and many people are often open about their nerves. I do like that.

I’ve been a few times now to Sykehouse Arena. I like their set up and the team there are really friendly. I’ve found a few showjumping friends there too who keep in touch with me afterwards and we private message our falls and laugh together.

It’s really good to be open and not fear what people think. Like I say, that might be an age thing as the dreaded 50th birthday approaches.

I also love their photographer, Victoria Adams, who I usually find a moment to chat to. It’s always the same conversation. I tell her to take plenty of photos and don’t stop even if I fall. She knows the drill. Thank you Victoria.

I love the photo she’s taken here with Sully; all tucked up with his little front feet. It’s taken a while for him to do this. He’s been learning, but I think now at the age of 6 he’s just understanding what to do. I feel really proud of him.

I know he could be much further advanced with a more professional rider, but I’ve long since stopped caring and he never did care in the first place.

That’s the great thing about horses. They live in the present moment. As long as you’re kind and give them food and shelter they really don’t wish for much more.

Me on the other hand? Well, that’s another column for the future. My dreams might not be big to others but they are big to me.

All I can say is if you’re struggling - keep going. Don’t stop. Never give up. Don’t beat yourself up either. I do enough of that for everyone. Small steps lead to big milestones.

Share with me your fears in a safe space on In The Saddle - Anita Marsh on Facebook. Trust me…I’ve been there and worn the t-shirt. If you’re worrying you won’t be alone. You won’t be the first one to wonder if you can do this. But you can. If I can do it so can you.

Thank you for following.