You may have gathered that I do not possess a luxuriant head of hair.
I am bald – here is no hair on the top of my head and hasn’t been for 25 years.
In my youth I was blessed with a huge tangled mane, which refused to behave itself and stuck up like Ken Dodd’s.
But, not anticipating fashion, it fell out in strands during the early 1980s... just as having sticky-out hair became the style du jour.
But despite being an early adopter of male pattern baldness and the recipient of many humorous asides from my hirsute friends (jokes which, mysteriously, became less frequent as the decades passed), it does not bother me in the slightest.
I do not SUFFER from hair loss.
But apparently my shiny pate is now officially an embarrassing disability.
On visiting the gents, in a local boozer this week, I was confronted with a poster prominantly displayed above the urinals.
The gist of it was an online doctor was inviting customers to have a heart-to-heart to discuss “sensitive medical problems” – like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and... hair loss.
Apparently you can get confidential advice about the range of treatments available, purchase genuine medicine discreetly online, collect them yourself or have them delivered.
Well I don’t know about the plumbing department stuff, but I don’t think anyone’s yet found a way to make your hair grow back.
Otherwise there would be no embarrassed, shamed baldies furtively phoning an online “doctor” after a night out at the pub, because they would have all had their ‘problem’ treated already.
Unless they meant hair loss somewhere else on the anatomy – which leaves me a bit non-plussed.