i’ve made my bed and i’m going to lie in it

A made bed.
A made bed.

This week I am going to touch upon an unspoken problem which I suspect afflicts a large proportion of the population - the nightmare of bedsheet slippage.

These warm nights have had the unfortunate side effect of making me unable to get a decent nights kip.

One of the worst parts of this is that my bedsheets are never able to maintain their position on the mattress.

The confounded things seem to have a life of their own. When I settle off to sleep the fitted sheet is neatly arranged with a sheet on top all securely in place. In the middle of the night they manage to disgorge themselves and end up in an uncomfortable twisted mess. I’ve often woken up with no sheets on at all, grimacing in the nearly hours with mattress button prints on my face.

Somehow the bed covers migrate and gather at the foot of the bed.

I suppose its due to me trying to strangle an imaginary octopus in my dreams or some other nocturnal meandering. I have tried all different kinds of fitted sheets, but I always end with the same result.

Short of developing a method of wrapping myself in swaddling bands like an ancient Egyptian infant or sleeping in a straight jacket, I was at a complete loss at what to do.

Being a novice in the finer points of bedroom linen I paid a visit to my local store and was confronted by a plethora of sheets and blankets of all varieties, yet none seemed to have the answer to my problem.

One solution I needed was a cover which fitted over the entire mattress. From studying the packs, I believe they are called mattress protectors.

But they all seemed to be associated with waterproofing the bed though and I didn’t want any sideways glances at the till from my fellow shoppers surmising that I suffered from incontinence issues.

Furthering my research online there were devices called bedding straps and bedding suspenders, which I thought sounded a bit suspect.

Then a friend suggested I learned how to do hospital corners. It’s a bit like wrapping your bed up like a Christmas present, a method favoured by nurses and the military. You make a fold on a bed sheet or blanket by tucking the foot or head of the sheet straight under the mattress with the ends protruding and then making a diagonal fold at the side corner of the sheet. Then you tuck this under to produce a triangular corner.

It makes for a self-securing neat and tidy bed which defies all but the most ardent night time activity.

Here’s a link to how it’s done: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Hospital-Corner.

And it voila it works. No more bed-sheet related aggravation for me folks.